The (not so) fine line between outsourcing and support

When you hear the word outsourcing you might think of business or work delegation, perhaps a company outsourcing certain tasks, services or operations, but today I’m talking about outsourcing on a more personal level.

Because I see outsourcing so often not only in the health, wellbeing and personal development space, but also in my work as a midwife and of course I have my own story with this also. A story of being caught in the cycle of looking for something or someone to have the answers, fix me, handle something for me or tell me what to do.

And it’s subtle. Because in the moment outsourcing can feel like relief. Like hope. Like the exhale of “have I finally found the thing that will help?” It’s almost like the passing of a baton, except this time you’re handing over your power, your intuition, your agency.

And unfortunately the relief is most often short-lived. And it leaves you in a cycle of dependency and continuously searching for the next best thing.

Support is different. Support looks like being in a space where you are able to find the answers and wisdom you hold, not where you have someone do it for you or where you are told what to do or how to do it. Support empowers. Support uplifts. Support provides the constant reminder that you are capable. Support is being asked the right questions, instead of being given all the ‘right’ answers.

And the reason I am reflecting on this is because I was looking after a new mum recently who was experiencing breastfeeding challenges. And as we were chatting I could just see the weight she was carrying, not just from breastfeeding itself but from the mountain of advice she had already received. Different midwives, different lactation consultants, all with different strategies and solutions.

And I could see the overwhelm this was causing as she was retelling all of the different pieces of advice she had been told previously as she tried to get it ‘right’.

And in that moment, she didn’t need more information.

She didn’t need education about different breastfeeding positions.

She didn’t need any more tips or advice.

What she needed was space.

So my gentle suggestion was that I’d leave the room and I encouraged her to forget about feeding for a moment, enjoy your skin-to-skin, get to know each other, take the pressure off.

And you know what happened? I went back in the room a little while later and they were feeding beautifully.

And it just served as such a reminder that sometimes what’s needed isn’t more answers. It’s less noise.

And I know this because I’ve been in this place too, even just recently, where your head is so full of noise and advice and information and tips. So full of what other people think that you don’t have the space to discover what you think. Where the mental chatter is so loud and you are so caught in your head that you don’t have the space to drop into your body, your intuition or your instincts.

To be honest I think it’s why I love the work I do with hypnotherapy - and why I’m drawn to practices like breathwork, meditation, long walks in nature - because in this noisy world we live in, they provide a space to hear yourself again and where you can find the answers you hold.

Even recently I was doing some further training in a different style of hypnotherapy and it served as such a timely reminder that you can have the most profound insight for a client but you telling them serves no purpose. You need to create a space and ask the questions that allow the client to find their own answers. This is where the transformation happens.

And while this might seem obvious and I imagine we all know this on some level, I’ll be the first to admit that it can be hard to put into practice. Even in friendships or relationships, if someone comes to you with a problem there is such a strong tendency to want to help. With our outside perspective we can often see so clearly what the other person can’t and the desire to approach this conversation by telling someone what they should do is strong.

For those of you who are familiar with Human Design, this is a particular problem for Projectors whose strategy is to wait for the invitation. And as a projector myself, this has been a big learning for me because Projectors have the gift to see into people in a way others can’t. We are here to guide and have this natural ability to understand others. But if we are not invited to share our thoughts, wisdom and guidance it will fall flat. Not only are we doing no favours for the person who is sharing with us because they did not ask to be fixed or for their problem to be solved, it also creates bitterness (our not-self theme) in us. The bitterness of thinking “why is no one following or accepting my advice and support?”

Because ultimately guidance without invitation becomes noise.

And support without permission can turn into pressure.

So all of this is to say that while outsourcing has it’s place in business, it doesn’t belong in the personal development, health and wellbeing space. And in this world we live in where we are constantly told others know better, it’s so easy to fall into outsourcing disguised as support

So if you are seeking help, I encourage you to be discerning. Seek out those who offer support, not answers. Those who hold space for your voice, your knowing, your wisdom. And I gently remind you to consider where you might be outsourcing? And how could you quieten the noise and tune back into you?

And if you are the person offering support, whether in your work, relationships or friendships, I encourage you to pause before jumping into fix and instead ask “What does this person need right now? And how can I create a space for this person to reconnect with themselves?”