Deconditioning in real time
This week I recorded a podcast episode about conditioning found within the undefined energy centres in Human Design.
But the morning the podcast episode was released, I woke up in a panic of realisation.
Something I should have said.
An area I should have gone deeper.
Nuance I overlooked.
And in this moment, I felt the familiar pattern rush back in.
The urge to fix, to perfect, to re-record, to add more, to complete, to do more.
But instead of doing this….I got curious.
I wrote, I journaled, I pondered.
And then I saw the irony.
The irony that in the process of sharing about deconditioning and Human Design, I’ve been presented with an opportunity to witness and be curious about my own conditioning playing out in a way I hadn’t considered before.
So this is what brings me here, to make sense of this in the only way I know how….through writing. And then sharing this with you in the hope that you may see this as an example of how to work with Human Design in real life, in real time, and to perhaps question, with compassion, your own conditioning.
I say this often, Projectors are pattern-readers, and so when experiences like this unfold in my life, often my first instinct, without me even knowing this is what I’m doing, is to look for and examine the pattern.
The pattern of feeling I missed nuance.
The pattern of feeling like I “should” have said something.
The pattern of discomfort with something feeling incomplete.
The pattern of wanting to go back and fix.
The pattern of over-explaining and giving everything all at once to avoid being misunderstood.
And at the core of all of this, the pattern of needing to prove my depth in one sitting. Almost as if depth must be demonstrated immediately in order to be valid.
So after noticing the pattern, I’m left asking: where is this really coming from?
What part of me feels unsafe in incompleteness?
What part believes depth must be proven immediately to be valid?
Undefined Heart/Ego
The conditioning of my undefined heart says, prove your worth, make sure they see your value, give more than you said you would, and prove your worth through giving.
Undefined Sacral
The conditioning of my undefined sacral says, do more, it’s not enough, your value equals how much you get done, prove your worth through output.
Undefined Solar Plexus
The conditioning of my undefined solar plexus says, don’t upset people, don’t let anyone down, don’t disappoint people, make sure you’re not misunderstood, keep the peace, make sure everyone is happy, prevent emotional upset at all costs.
Gate 48
And of course, I have Gate 48, the Gate of Depth, in my unconscious Earth. In its shadow Gate 48 holds a fear of inadequacy, a fear of not knowing enough, a fear of lacking depth. So when I felt I’d missed something, this fear lit up.
But Gate 48 in its highest expression isn’t frantically searching for depth. It isn’t feeling like you have to prove depth. It isn’t discounting what you know and endlessly seeking to know more. It isn’t viewing yourself and your contributions as forever incomplete or lacking.
Gate 48 is the gift of embodied wisdom. It’s the desire to understand deeply. It’s trusting in what you already know. It’s the wisdom of understanding you will never know everything — that depth is infinite. And instead of searching for the elusive bottom of the ocean or the edges of the sky, it’s being okay with not knowing it all….while appreciating the journey of gradually knowing a little more than you did before.
It’s allowing depth to unfold over time.
It’s patient mastery.
Patience is a virtue
And in today’s world… this couldn’t be more true.
We swim in the waters of urgency. We want instant gratification. We want fast delivery. Quick results. Rapid relief. Overnight success. To have all the answers straight away.
And especially with the astrological shifts and energy of this year, the Year of the Fire Horse, I feel this will be even more amplified. The undercurrent of urgency and the pressure to move quickly….are you feeling it to?
And this is actually something I spoke to in the podcast episode, the importance of counterbalancing the urgency and fast-moving energy with intentional slowness, spaciousness, stillness, and silence. With patience.
And again, I see the irony here.
The irony that as I spoke about this, I was presented with an opportunity to be curious about where I’m rushing. Where I’m feeling the pressure of urgency. Feeling the pressure to share something before it feels fully formed. And then, once shared, feeling the pressure for it to be complete.
But in noticing this pressure, I realised I didn’t have to respond to it.
I could let it be there…..without succumbing to it.
Trusting that it will continue to evolve.
That ideas can mature.
That understanding deepens with time.
That expression is not a final but part of an ongoing conversation.
And this is where patience comes in.
The patience of allowing ideas to steep. Letting nuance surface. Not rushing to relieve pressure, but trusting in the slow unfurling. Trusting that ideas deepen with time, that concepts can be revisited, that ideas build cumulatively, and that not everything has to be said in one go.
The bigger reflection
I said at the beginning that this whole situation was ironic.
The irony that in the process of sharing about conditioning, I was presented with an opportunity to witness and be curious about my own conditioning in a way I had not yet seen.
The irony that as I shared about moving slowly and with patience and intention, I felt the pressure of urgency and to have things feel complete.
But perhaps the irony is even bigger than this.
Perhaps the moment I felt I overlooked nuance or lacked depth was actually the moment depth revealed itself.
Perhaps the awareness is the depth.
Because I’m not perfect, and I’m not immune to conditioning.
But the depth comes in having the awareness to notice and question the conditioning so that it can be transformed, rather than it whirring away in the background, unseen and unquestioned, convincing me that “this is just the way I am.”
As Carl Jung famously said, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
Awareness is the first step to transformation.
So what is the through line here?
Perhaps the lesson here isn’t so much about letting go of the need to prove, to complete, to do more, or add more, although yes, this is part of it.
But at a deeper level, I feel the lesson here is this:
Human Design is a system for making the unconscious conscious.
Be willing to witness your patterns as they unfold, be curious, question them.
This is the real practice…not eliminating conditioning but noticing.
And I’m reminded here of something I heard Buddhist monk and meditation teacher Gelong Thubten say on a podcast which completely transformed my relationship with meditation.
“When you sit there and your mind starts racing, don’t feel like you’ve failed. Remind yourself the thoughts make your meditation stronger. If coming back to the breath is what you are trying to do, you have to have somewhere to come back from. The thought that took you away is exactly what brings you back.” — Gelong Thubten
And I can’t help but wonder if the same perspective could be applied to deconditioning and Human Design.
When conditioning creeps into your life, don’t feel like you’ve failed. Remind yourself that this is what makes your Human Design experiment stronger. If coming back to your true self and becoming your authentic self is what you are here to do, you have to have somewhere to come back from. The conditioning that took you away is exactly what brings you back.
With love,
Alice x
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