The paradox of pressure

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about pressure and almost the irony that the more pressure you place on yourself (or something you’re doing), the harder it becomes.

And while there are so many ways in which pressure shows up across our lives, one pattern I notice time and time again is the way many clients - and honestly, myself in the past - approach healing.

For me, this showed up in a big way through my skin journey. A few years ago I was seeing various practitioners and trying countless different approaches and treatments, following every piece of advice I could find. And as part of this process, my skin categorically got worse.

And the truth is, at the time I felt like such a failure, I felt like I’d not only let myself down but I’d let down and failed the people I was working with. I worried they’d be disappointed in me. I carried guilt for not being the success story I desperately wanted to be. I felt the pressure, hugely, to succeed and achieve the outcome I wanted; clear skin. And of course the more my skin didn’t improve, the more pressure I piled on myself to fix it. All the while reading how bad stress is for your skin and essentially stressing myself out for being stressed.

And of course as a hypnotherapist, I don’t work with clients around their skin, but it’s funny how I can see the same pattern play out in other areas. I see my clients put huge amounts of pressure on our work together to look a certain way and to happen on a certain timeframe. Almost as if there is a measure of success or a hidden scoreboard tallying their so called successes and failures. A belief that they need to prove, to themselves or even me, that they are getting better or that something is “working”.

And so what I’ve come to realise is that ultimately pressure is rooted in attachment. There is attachment to a specific outcome. Attachment to timing. Attachment to a belief that there is a right or wrong, pass or fail, success or failure.

But of course the more attachment there is, the more pressure there is and the harder everything becomes. The nervous system flips into high alert. The body tenses. The mind narrows. And instead of being open and fluid, there is rigidity and contraction. What you are desiring seemingly slips further and further away. Almost like you are trying to hold water in your hands but the tighter your hands squeeze, the more the water trickles out.

And the hardest part is that we all know this on some level and so what often happens is you then place another layer of pressure on yourself to not feel the pressure..talk about a mind twister!

Feeling stressed about being stressed, because you know stress isn’t good for you.

Feeling pressure to not feel the pressure, because you know it makes everything harder.

Feeling frustrated about being frustrated, because you believe you should be handling it better.

These are the loops, knots and spirals I see our minds create time and time again in my work as a hypnotherapist.

So, what do you actually do when you’re caught in the grip of pressure?

Step 1: Awareness

I say this often but the first step is always always always awareness.

Everything starts here. Most people in this world are living their lives on autopilot, driven by these subconscious patterns and completely unaware that this is the case. Awareness is what interrupts this cycle.

Start by bringing your awareness to the pressure. Notice the moments it creeps in. Notice the tightness, the urgency, the sense of “I must”. And of course do this without judgement or shame, just observation and awareness of what you are feeling and experiencing.

Step 2: Allow

What happens next is that many will notice the uncomfortable feeling of pressure, stress or anxiety and they will try to push it away, stuff it down, ignore it or criticise themselves for feeling this way. But pressure, like any uncomfortable emotion, needs to be acknowledged, allowed and accepted before it can loosen.

So once you’ve become aware of the pressure, bring your attention to it, allow its presence. Just being with the feeling often softens its intensity.

Step 3: Curiosity

This is where you could step into curiosity. Ask yourself: What expectation am I holding onto? Whose expectation is this? Mine or someone else’s? Where am I gripping to a certain outcome? What do I believe will happen if I don’t achieve this outcome? Is this true?

Step 4: Detachment

Once you’ve explored with curiosity, the next step is detachment. And this doesn’t mean not caring but rather releasing the expectation of how things should go so that you can stay open to how they could go.

Step 5: Trust

And then of course there is the cultivation of trust. Trust in your ability to handle whatever arises. Trust in the process. Trust that things are unfolding exactly how they are meant to…and not because you pushed or forced but because you created space and loosened your grip.

I’ll share more on this soon because there is so much more to say, but for now, if you are feeling the pressure, I invite you to start with the simplest step: Awareness.

Just notice.